Maybe They Wanted To
One of the hardest things about dating after heartbreak wasn’t meeting new people.
It was learning how quickly everyone had advice.
The internet especially.
It has a saying for everything.
One I heard over and over again was this:
“If they wanted to, they would.”
If they wanted to text…
they would.
If they wanted to call…
they would.
If they wanted to plan a date…
they would.
If they wanted a relationship…
they would.
I understand why people say it.
I really do.
Most of the time, it’s an attempt to protect someone from accepting less than they deserve.
There’s wisdom in paying attention to effort.
There’s wisdom in noticing consistency.
There’s wisdom in believing actions over words.
I don’t disagree with any of that.
But every time I heard the phrase…
I didn’t think about the other person.
I thought about me.
Because there have been so many times in my life…
when I wanted to…
and I didn’t.
Not because I didn’t care.
Because I was afraid.
There are apologies I’ve wanted to make.
Friendships I’ve wanted to repair.
Dreams I’ve wanted to chase.
Conversations I’ve wanted to have.
People I’ve wanted to call.
Words I’ve wanted to say.
And I didn’t.
Fear stopped me.
Pride stopped me.
Anxiety stopped me.
Sometimes wisdom stopped me.
Sometimes timing stopped me.
Sometimes I simply wasn’t ready.
After my breakup, I remember the first time I noticed someone else was attractive.
It felt strangely significant.
For months, I had been convinced I’d never notice anyone again.
Then one day…
I did.
I remember thinking,
“Well…my eyes work.”
That was progress.
Not because I wanted to date.
I absolutely did not.
My heart wasn’t ready.
My eyes had simply healed before the rest of me.
That’s the thing about healing.
Different parts recover at different speeds.
So when people say,
“If they wanted to, they would…”
I always think back to that moment.
I wanted connection.
I wanted love.
I wanted companionship.
But wanting wasn’t the only thing that mattered.
Readiness mattered too.
Healing mattered.
Fear mattered.
Wisdom mattered.
Humans are far more complicated than one sentence allows.
Does that mean we should ignore someone’s lack of effort?
No.
Effort matters.
Consistency matters.
Healthy relationships require both people showing up.
But I also think we should be careful about believing we know someone’s heart based solely on what they didn’t do.
Sometimes they didn’t want to.
Sometimes they weren’t able.
Sometimes they were terrified.
Sometimes they chose wisdom over impulse.
Sometimes they were healing too.
We’ll probably never know.
And maybe we don’t need to.
Maybe the healthier question isn’t,
“Why didn’t they?”
Maybe it’s,
“What do I need?”
Because regardless of why someone couldn’t show up…
I still deserve someone who can.
That truth doesn’t require me to make them the villain.
Or myself the exception.
It simply allows me to hold two things at once.
Maybe they wanted to.
Maybe they didn’t.
Either way…
I’m free to keep walking toward the people who are able to meet me where I am.
